I haven’t updated in a while. Might have thought that I would write some insightful post for the new year about what my resolutions are and how great things are going to be. I think I hoped at one point that things would be like that. That I would be in a position to make new year’s resolutions like the rest of the world, about losing weight, eating better, saving money for vacations, meeting Mr. Right… I don’t even know. Whatever it is that stable, normal people have for new years resolutions. But things aren’t that peachy keen.
For a while this website was my outlet, the thing that was keeping my head above water. It gave me something to do when I was going completely insane with an inablity to do anything else… Designing it occupied a majority of brainwaves for a while… but once it was up and running, brainwaves went flatline… Its like a blank page in a notebook or sketchpad… somehow it seeps into your brain and your thoughts are suddenly just as blank as the page in front of you… And thus ceased the updates. Except for verbal dementia. But I don’t create the content for that. It just happens. This seems a bit irrelevant, but I was wondering why I hadn’t updated in forever. So in case anyone else was wondering…
And suddenly it’s February. Where the hell did January go. I’ll probably be saying that at the beginning of every month… I’m falling apart and time chooses now to launch into a blur. I have all the time in the world right now, and I’m using it for nothing. Then I look back and wonder where the hell it went. I’ll have no one else to blame but myself when the world comes crashing down. And yet I’m totally lost about what to do. I feel helpless. Every day that passes is another day I could be getting out of all of this, but every day it gets harder to do it. Harder to take the first step. The end gets further away, and it seems less and less possible to get there at all.
I’m what’s happening to this year. I need to be something else. The world already is crashing down.