There’s a commercial out, or at least it was fairly recently, for a nifty little item called Iams Savory Sauce. This is a ketchup-style bottle of something that looks a bit like gravy, comes in bacon, chicken, and beef (though they call it Country Chicken and Homestyle Beef… as if the dog is going to know), and it’s meant to be poured over dry dog food at something like a tablespoon per half cup.
Said commercial goes something like this.
Enter wife and husband, talking in kitchen.
“I just don’t know what to think. Joey just wants to spend all his time at Billy’s house. He keeps wanting to eat dinner over there…”
Switch to Billy’s house.
Wife: “Come on, Joey, time to go home!”
Billy’s mom: “Joey, do you want a doggie bag?”
Here you realise that Joey and Billy are dogs. And Billy’s mom feeds them dinner with Iams Savory Sauce. She hands him a Ziploc with a bottle of the sauce in it, and he runs to his parents with this bag in his mouth.
How cute. Woopidy doo.
Just for the sake of being nice, I bought a couple bottles of the stuff. Dry food is the best for any animal like that, because it keeps their teeth clean. But, I like to spoil them sometimes, and things like this are a good way to do it. I started with chicken, and one bottle lasted through maybe 6 or 7 feedings. Either way, we went to Andrew’s apartment for an evening, and I brought his dinner with us, but I didn’t bother to bring a bottle of the sauce. When I fed him, he wasn’t at all interested in eating, but I attributed it to being in a new place and being excited etc etc. Last night, I fed him at home.
He sniffed at his food and walked away. Came back 5 minutes later or something, sniffed at it again, ate about half of it and left it.
Dot. Dot. Dot.
I want to write Iams a letter:
Dear Sir or Madam:
Did your scientists actually do a test before passing on the creative control for your commercial to your advertising team?
Because my dog has stopped eating his dinner because I haven’t put any more of that damn sauce on it.
I mean… Seriously. wtf. Maybe there’s heroin in it. Maybe sauce is street for ‘crack’. Next thing you know it’ll be SA, Sauceaholics Anonymous. “Hi my name is Spot, and I’m a sauceaholic.” “Hi, Spot.” Does Iams plan to fund the health side effects of being a addict? Maybe it’s a conspiracy. Maybe it’s nanomachines and they start by causing the addiction, and eventually, when the time is right, they kick into gear and the dogs will take over the world.