There are (or were, anyway) commercials out right now with a guy and a girl at a mini-mart. The background music is something out of a western film. They both walk up to the counter with their respective baskets and pick up a box of Dentyne Fire Mints from the same display on the counter between them. Their hands touch.
Sexy lady narrating: “There’s a new way to heat things up.”
They each pop a mint.
SLN: “New Dentyne Fire Mints.”
They look at each other like two people who just realised that they haven’t gotten laid in a year and they’re standing next to someone who is thinking the same thing.. It flashes to the cashier who probably got married to her highschool sweetheart, and they were voted “Most nerdy couple.” She looks at them with this stare that says, “Oh, no.” The guy and the girl begin emptying their baskets. She puts down a candle. He sees her candle, and puts down a bottle of hot massage oil. She sees it and breathes all hot and puts down a bottle of bubble bath. He sees her bubble bath, breathes hot too and puts down a can of Snappy-whip. She gets more worked up, and reaches over and grabs a disposable camera. The cashier looks at the stuff, looks at the girl, looks at the guy and back again. The guy starts breathing heavy and the girl turns to him and jumps him and they take out half the stuff on the counter before hitting the floor.
SLN: “New Dentyne Fire Mints. 50 naughty bits of cinnamon desire. Get hot. Go bold.”
So I’m thinking to myself, hey self. These mints look pretty good. I like cinammon and I like making out. Clearly a win-win situation. So I begin looking for them at the stores I visit. I didn’t see them. However, since this wasn’t a serious mission or anything, it didn’t really occur to me that I couldn’t find them anywhere until recently. The more places that didn’t have it, the more it began to register that I hadn’t been able to find them anywhere. So, I started looking everywhere. And, indeed. They were nowhere to be found.
At this point, I decided this: Dentyne Fire Mints do not in fact exist, and that it is just a cruel joke played on the common man by the Dentyne Corporation.
And, of course, just as I finally decided they must not exist, I find them. Hidden under a display of potato chip bags at… Bed, Bath & Beyond.
…
Guess this is where the beyond comes in.