So begins the writing of something every day.
As I’m falling asleep every night, I’m always thinking. It’s not something I do on purpose, just something that sort of happens. And unfortunately it seems that I do my best thinking in the wee hours of the morning when I’m too exhausted to care. And for the most part, that becomes my downfall, since I refuse to get up and write anything down. I wake up in the morning and eventually realise that I had thought of something super keen and insightful, but for the life of me, I can’t remember what specifically it was. It drives me insane, because I always remember thinking it was marvelous when I come up with it.
Although half the time when I do write it down, I look at it in the morning and don’t understand what was so neat about it. So it could all be in my head. Maybe mundane things seem super keen when I’m exhausted.
Then there’s the times when I don’t understand what I meant at all. I write down one or two words thinking, “I’ll know what I meant by it in the morning,” and I don’t have a clue.
I wonder how many times I wrote the word “think” or some form of it here… Hooray for the lack of thesaurus use.
I haven’t updated in a while. Might have thought that I would write some insightful post for the new year about what my resolutions are and how great things are going to be. I think I hoped at one point that things would be like that. That I would be in a position to make new year’s resolutions like the rest of the world, about losing weight, eating better, saving money for vacations, meeting Mr. Right… I don’t even know. Whatever it is that stable, normal people have for new years resolutions. But things aren’t that peachy keen.
For a while this website was my outlet, the thing that was keeping my head above water. It gave me something to do when I was going completely insane with an inablity to do anything else… Designing it occupied a majority of brainwaves for a while… but once it was up and running, brainwaves went flatline… Its like a blank page in a notebook or sketchpad… somehow it seeps into your brain and your thoughts are suddenly just as blank as the page in front of you… And thus ceased the updates. Except for verbal dementia. But I don’t create the content for that. It just happens. This seems a bit irrelevant, but I was wondering why I hadn’t updated in forever. So in case anyone else was wondering…
And suddenly it’s February. Where the hell did January go. I’ll probably be saying that at the beginning of every month… I’m falling apart and time chooses now to launch into a blur. I have all the time in the world right now, and I’m using it for nothing. Then I look back and wonder where the hell it went. I’ll have no one else to blame but myself when the world comes crashing down. And yet I’m totally lost about what to do. I feel helpless. Every day that passes is another day I could be getting out of all of this, but every day it gets harder to do it. Harder to take the first step. The end gets further away, and it seems less and less possible to get there at all.
I’m what’s happening to this year. I need to be something else. The world already is crashing down.
I was watching an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond the other day. Their daughter keeps crawling into bed with them crying about monsters in her room and Ray isn’t getting any sleep. His parents mention something about tough love, which appeals to him since it means ignoring her. That ends up with the daughter calling out to them all night, so his wife decides to go sleep with her. He gets all upset and says, “Don’t go… I can’t sleep without you…” So when it comes to his turn to sleep with her, he sneaks his mom into the house to stay with her for the night. Blah blah, short story long, his dad ends up showing up in the middle of the night yelling, “Where’s my wife?!” and as they start to argue about how where she sleeps isn’t his buisness, he says “It is because I can’t sleep without you!”
What is it about humans that makes us become addicted to sleeping next to someone. I hadn’t really thought about it as a common issue until I saw that. But the more that I thought about it, the more I realised that almost everyone I’ve ever talked to about it agrees. So what is it. For me, it didn’t used to be specific. And to some extent, it still isn’t. I sleep better with someone than I do alone, but I sleep the best next to someone specific. So it’s about not wanting to be alone in general, but more specifically not wanting to be away from a certain someone. Kind of like the difference between taking regular-strength Tylenol and taking Vicodin. One helps and the other eliminates the problem. When I was younger I never slept next to anyone except for the occasional sleepover. I never had any problems sleeping. I used to say that I slept better when someone was there. But I’m not sure that I completely believed it as much as I said it just to say it. It wasn’t until I started sleeping next to someone on a regular basis and then had to sleep alone that I really knew what it meant. But even though there’s a different sort of connection between someone I’m dating and someone I’m not, the addiction still grows strong either way. I slept next to my last roommate almost every night. The couple of times that he was gone for whatever reason, I didn’t end up going to bed until really late and woke up really early. The sleep that I did get wasn’t very good. He said the same thing about me. We weren’t dating. We’re best friends, but I can pretty safely say that anyone I’m going to sleep next to is going to be that.
Still, now, I won’t even go to bed until this one get’s home. If he is home, I won’t go to bed until he comes with me. I don’t know if I can fall sleep without him because I’ve never even bothered to try. I sometimes hold on to him, sometimes don’t. It’s his presence that’s most crucial. Once I’m asleep, I sleep ok, but be usually gets up for work before I get up. I can still sleep when he leaves, just never as well.
So I don’t know what the deal is. But for now, I don’t have to know.